12 Signs You Are Not A Very Good Spouse

How do you rate as a spouse?

A woman with red hair holds pink roses, looking away pensively. She stands beside a lamppost. A bearded man in a light blue shirt stands on the other side, facing away. They are outdoors in a dimly lit setting.

You might have to take this one on the chin, but there’s a chance that you’re not as good a partner to your husband or wife as you think you are. In fact, if you engage in any of the following behaviors, you’re actually a pretty lousy spouse…at least, right now. That’s not to say that you couldn’t change—sometimes, recognizing your flaws is the first and most important step to working on them.

1. You never show a hint of gratitude for the things your partner contributes to the relationship.

A woman and a man sitting back-to-back at an outdoor café table, arms crossed. She wears a yellow jacket, and he wears a blue shirt. The table has drinks and dishes, and the background features a sunlit corridor.

Appreciation is the lifeblood of a thriving relationship. When was the last time you genuinely thanked your partner for their efforts? Failing to acknowledge their contributions, big or small, can leave them feeling undervalued and resentful. Imagine pouring your heart into a project, only to have it met with silence—that’s how your spouse feels when their actions go unnoticed. Over time, this lack of gratitude can create a chasm between you, as your partner may start to question their worth in the relationship or your love for them.

2. You’re not physically or emotionally affectionate unless you want something.

A woman in a gray hat, beige coat, and striped scarf looks contemplative, facing away from a man in a black coat. They stand outdoors with a cloudy sky and water in the background. The scene feels somber and introspective.

Affection shouldn’t be a currency used for transactions in your relationship. Withholding love and warmth until you need a favor is manipulative and can leave your partner feeling used. Genuine affection is spontaneous and freely given, not doled out as a reward for good behavior or compliance. Your partner deserves consistent emotional support and physical closeness, not just when it’s convenient for you. Remember, a relationship starved of affection is like a plant without water—it will wither and die.

3. You’re quick to criticize but rarely reflect on your own behavior.

A man wearing a gray t-shirt and glasses sits on a couch with a distressed expression, resting his forehead on his fingers. A woman in a yellow shirt and light blue pants sits farther away, looking at him with concern. They are in a bright room with white walls.

Pointing fingers is easy; looking in the mirror is hard. If you find yourself constantly nitpicking your partner’s flaws while ignoring your own shortcomings, you’re creating an imbalance in your relationship. Criticism, when frequent and harsh, can chip away at your partner’s self-esteem and create a defensive atmosphere. Instead of fostering growth and understanding, this behavior builds walls and resentment. Take a moment to consider how you’d feel if the tables were turned—would you want to be on the receiving end of constant criticism?

4. You put quality time at the bottom of your priority list.

A golfer wearing a white cap, blue polo shirt, and white pants is swinging a golf club in a green, well-maintained golf course. Sand is flying up from the sand trap, suggesting he is hitting the ball out of a bunker. Trees are visible in the background.

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to let quality time slip through the cracks. But consistently prioritizing work, hobbies, or other commitments over your partner sends a clear message: they’re not important to you. Shared experiences and meaningful conversations are the glue that holds a relationship together. Without them, you risk becoming two strangers living under the same roof.

5. You seek to micromanage your partner.

A woman with a serious expression is staring at a man who has his index finger raised in front of her face. The background is dark, and the woman is wearing a white shirt. The man is slightly out of focus.

Healthy relationships thrive on trust and independence. If you find yourself constantly monitoring your partner’s actions, questioning their decisions, or trying to control their every move, you’re suffocating the relationship. This behavior stems from insecurity and a lack of faith in your partner’s judgment. Not only does it create tension and resentment, but it also stifles your partner’s personal growth. A relationship should be a partnership of equals, not a dictatorship where one person calls all the shots.

6. You rarely compromise, and when you do, it’s to use as leverage in later negotiations.

A man and woman are sitting on a couch in a living room. The man, wearing a denim shirt, appears to be explaining something with an open hand gesture. The woman, in a red polka-dot blouse, is looking away with her arms crossed.

Compromise is the art of finding a middle ground, not keeping score. If you view concessions as chips to cash in later, you’re treating your relationship like a business deal rather than a partnership. True compromise comes from a place of love and understanding, not strategic maneuvering. Keeping a mental tally of “who owes whom” creates an atmosphere of tension and mistrust. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be willing to give and take without expecting something in return.

7. You dismiss your partner’s wants, opinions, and feelings.

A man and a woman have a heated discussion in a bedroom. The man, wearing a denim shirt and glasses, is gesturing passionately with his hands. The woman, dressed in an orange dress, sits on the bed and listens intently, appearing concerned.

Invalidating your partner’s emotions or brushing off their desires is a surefire way to create distance in your relationship. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood, especially by their significant other. When you consistently disregard your partner’s perspective, you’re essentially telling them that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. This behavior can lead to emotional withdrawal and a breakdown in communication.

8. You use passive-aggression to punish your partner.

A woman sitting on a couch raises her hand to signal stop, turning her head away from a man who appears to be talking to her. She looks upset, while the man, wearing a yellow shirt, gestures with his hands, seemingly trying to explain or communicate something.

Silent treatments, sarcastic comments, and subtle jabs are toxic tools in a relationship. Passive-aggressive behavior is a cowardly way of expressing anger or disappointment without direct confrontation. It creates a confusing and hostile environment where your partner is left guessing what they’ve done wrong. Open, honest communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you find yourself resorting to passive-aggressive tactics, it’s time to examine why you’re unable to express your feelings directly and work on more constructive ways to address issues.

9. You don’t take much interest in your partner’s life outside of the relationship.

A man and a woman sit on a couch indoors, both appearing upset. The man, looking at his phone, has a neutral expression, while the woman looks down with her arms crossed, seeming distressed. The background includes a white brick wall and a coffee table in front of them.

Showing genuine curiosity about your partner’s interests, friendships, and personal goals is crucial for maintaining a strong connection. Neglecting to engage with these aspects of their life can make them feel isolated within the relationship. Your partner is a multifaceted individual with a life beyond your shared experiences. By taking an interest in their world, you deepen your understanding of who they are and show that you value them as a whole person, not just for the role they play in your life.

10. You don’t like their friends and try to dissuade your partner from seeing them.

A woman and a man are standing in a modern kitchen, engaged in a serious conversation. The woman is pointing her finger, while the man looks back at her with open palms. Shelves with books, a toaster, and jars are visible in the background.

Attempting to isolate your partner from their social circle is a red flag in any relationship. While it’s natural to have different opinions about people, actively trying to separate your partner from their friends is controlling and unhealthy. These friendships likely predate your relationship and play an important role in your partner’s life. Respect for your partner’s autonomy includes accepting their choice of friends. If you have legitimate concerns, express them calmly and openly, but ultimately, trust your partner’s judgment.

11. You don’t respect your partner’s boundaries or privacy.

A man in a red sweater sits on a gray couch, engrossed in his smartphone. A woman with long blonde hair and wearing an orange blouse leans over from behind, seemingly curious about what he is looking at. Shelves with books and decor are in the background.

Boundaries are the invisible lines that define personal space and individuality within a relationship. Repeatedly crossing these lines—whether by snooping through their phone, barging in on private moments, or pressuring them to share more than they’re comfortable with—erodes trust and creates resentment. Respecting boundaries shows that you value your partner’s autonomy and personal space. Remember, your partner isn’t an extension of you; they’re their own person deserving of respect and privacy.

12. You refuse to take responsibility for your mistakes and always shift blame.

A man and a woman are having an intense argument in a kitchen. The man, wearing a light blue shirt, is pointing his finger at the woman, who is wearing a gray blouse. Both appear upset, with the woman gesturing with her hands. Kitchen items are blurred in the background.

Constantly deflecting blame onto your partner or external circumstances not only avoids addressing issues but also creates a toxic dynamic. Owning up to mistakes takes courage, but it’s essential for growth and mutual respect. When you refuse to acknowledge your faults, you’re essentially telling your partner that their feelings and experiences are invalid. This behavior can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication, as your partner may feel they can never truly resolve conflicts with you.