Why do I feel like I need to be liked by everyone?
Few people like to be criticized. It doesn’t feel good to have other people think negatively of you or point criticism at you. It’s easy to take negative criticism and turn it into the perception that a person doesn’t like you. However, that’s not always the case. Sometimes honesty hurts because we sometimes do the wrong things and need to know the truth.
Typically, a person will shake off that criticism or dislike and just move on from it. But suppose you find yourself experiencing discomfort, anxiety, depression, or other persistent negative feelings because of the perception that someone doesn’t like you. In that case, there is likely a reason for it.
Those reasons may include but are not limited to:
1. It’s a defence mechanism caused by trauma.
The need to be liked may be linked to past trauma, either adult or childhood. Currying favor with other people may be a defensive mechanism to avoid conflict, anxiety, or stress from trauma. This isn’t typically a conscious choice that is being made. It’s more of a subtle pattern of behavior that you may not be aware of until you really examine why you’re doing what you’re doing.
This need to be liked by everyone may also stem from childhood attachment issues with parents. Parents who withhold love and affection and force their children to earn it teach the child that they need to seek approval to be loved. And that kind of behavior can carry over into adulthood.
2. You have social anxiety.
Social situations and relationships are always a challenge for people with social anxiety. People who experience social anxiety often fear being judged by other people. They may also have difficulties with people in general social settings, school, or work. However, their desire to be liked by everyone is one way to smooth the disturbances that come with experiencing anxiety.
3. You may connect your self-worth with an external locus of control.
The locus of control is a phrase that refers to how a person feels like their life is directed.
A person with an internal locus of control will typically feel like they are in charge of their own destiny. It all comes down to the work they do with their own two hands, the effort they put in, and the results they gain.
On the other hand, people with an external locus typically feel like they have little control over their own fate. They feel like external forces guide their life more than themselves.
People with an external locus of control often look to other people for validation and approval to be told they are doing the right thing. And while that is okay sometimes, it’s not so great when the crowd isn’t doing the right thing or you’re looking for approval from not-good people.
4. Dependence on others for emotional support.
It’s perfectly normal and okay to lean on your friends, family, or support group when you’re having a hard time. There’s nothing wrong with that.
However, there is a line that separates healthy and unhealthy support. No person should need to rely on their support network all the time or for trivial matters.
At first glance, it may seem like this couldn’t be an issue. If you’re having a minor problem, you hash it out with a friend, and then you hopefully move on.
The problem is that every time you lean on someone that way, it’s like you’re withdrawing a little bit of money from your bank account. The more you do it, the more you withdraw. The more you withdraw, the sooner you’re out of money. So not only do you need to make regular deposits into the account, but you also have to be mindful of how much money you’re withdrawing.
People seeking validation and approval from their friends and family are constantly making withdrawals on their account. Sooner or later, the support network goes away because they don’t have the emotional strength, well-being, or desire to continue with it.
5. Low self-esteem results in a need for external validation.
A person with low self-esteem and a sense of low self-worth will naturally gravitate toward wanting other people to like them. That external validation helps them fill a hole that they can’t fill themselves.
Loving and valuing oneself makes it much easier to accept that the opinions of others don’t matter a whole lot.
6. Fear of rejection or abandonment.
A deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment can drive the need to be liked by everyone. This fear often stems from past experiences or childhood events where a person felt left out or unwanted. As a result, they may develop a strong aversion to any form of rejection, real or perceived.
This fear can manifest as an intense desire to gain approval from everyone around you. You might find yourself constantly trying to please others, even at the expense of your own needs or comfort. The underlying belief is that if everyone likes you, you’ll never have to face the pain of rejection or abandonment again.
7. Perfectionist tendencies and unrealistically high expectations of yourself.
Perfectionism can fuel the need to be universally liked. If you hold yourself to impossibly high standards, you may believe that perfection is the key to winning everyone’s approval. This mindset can lead you to constantly seek validation from others, as you’re never quite satisfied with your own assessment of your worth.
The drive for perfection can make you hypersensitive to criticism and prone to interpreting negative feedback as a sign of dislike. As a result, you may find yourself working tirelessly to meet everyone’s expectations, hoping that flawless performance will guarantee approval.
8. Difficulty setting personal boundaries.
The need to be liked by everyone can stem from difficulty in setting and maintaining personal boundaries. People who struggle with boundaries may find it challenging to say “no” or express their own needs and preferences. This difficulty arises from the fear that asserting themselves might upset others and lead people to dislike them.
People with boundary issues may consistently prioritize others’ wants and needs over their own, believing that this self-sacrifice is necessary to maintain approval. This pattern of behavior can reinforce the belief that being liked is contingent on always being available and accommodating to others, regardless of the personal cost.
