How do I stop wanting everyone to like me?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked by people. That desire is a natural part of our social and emotional needs. To be liked by people means there is less chance of hostility or conflict, which few people want.
However, there comes a point where the desire to want everyone to like you becomes harmful.
People who feel the need to be liked by everyone may find it much harder to connect and build quality relationships. That’s because other people can’t trust them. You may think people pleasing makes you very trustworthy, but actually, it’s the complete opposite. When you’re desperately approval seeking you’re not being your true self, and people can smell that a mile off.
But there are some things you can do to help guide yourself in a better direction, starting with…
1. Identify your approval-seeking behaviors.
You want to look for the different things you do to gain approval from other people. Once you’re aware of these things, you can make an effort to interrupt them and change your course of action.
Instead of seeking approval, you can choose to sit quietly with the discomfort and gain some resilience toward it. No meaningful change or growth happens without discomfort.
2. Improve your self-love.
Many people who seek validation and approval from others do so because they don’t have a good opinion of themselves. Nurturing and growing your self-love and self-esteem can reduce your external need for approval.
You don’t need other people to tell you that you’re good enough by liking you. You already know that you’re good enough, and their opinion is irrelevant.
Practice a kinder internal monologue with yourself. Avoid insulting yourself. And if you can’t be positive, just try not to be negative. There’s a whole lot of neutral middle-ground between the two.
3. Reduce your time on social media.
Social media is essentially a treadmill of seeking approval from other people. You gotta get those likes! Show everyone how great your life is! Get those shares! Jump on the latest trend!
Unfortunately, social media regularly dips into the unhealthy parts of external validation as a conscious choice. Many of those companies have employed psychologists to develop a product that takes advantage of feedback loops in your brain. Don’t be a part of it.
4. Develop your internal compass.
To carry oneself with honesty, trustworthiness, and integrity is an important part of being happy with yourself. It’s difficult to feel good about yourself when doing things that do not align with your moral compass.
But to align yourself with your moral compass, you have to actually understand what you value and why you value it.
Take some time to think about the things that are important to you. What matters to you that you feel strongly enough to take a stand on? Can you be honest about those things even if it’s not a popular thing to do? Of course, there will definitely be times when it won’t be.
5. Embrace disagreement.
People will disagree with one another from time to time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It’s a good thing because we all have different life experiences, giving us different perspectives.
You can disagree with someone and still be close to them so long as it’s not a subject that violates your core beliefs or moral compass. But if you’re an honest person, you can’t hang out with dishonest people and expect things to be okay, especially if you’re trying to gain approval from those people.
It’s okay to disagree so long as you’re respecting yourself and others.
6. Seek out critical feedback from people you trust.
Seek out some critical feedback on something you’re trying to accomplish or a project you’re doing. Don’t seek it out on yourself. The key phrase in this statement is “people you trust” because some people will just take this kind of request to personally attack you. You may not have kind people around you that want to help you build yourself up.
Spend a good amount of time really considering the person you’ll ask for this feedback. This kind of exercise will generally help a person see that constructive criticism or a disagreement isn’t the end of the world.
7. Allow yourself to stand up to people that you like.
Sometimes the people you care about will do things you may not agree with. Stand up and tell them you disagree with their opinion, choices, or actions.
Now, here’s the thing you want to be prepared for. Suppose you didn’t have good boundaries before. In that case, you might find a lot of push-back and people distancing themselves from you when you stop being so compliant.
This is a good thing. You want to get the people out of your life who are not supportive, understanding, or willing to hear you.
8. Realize that other people’s opinions are not your concern.
The interesting thing about opinions is that they often reflect the person’s mindset. So, for example, if you have a positive friend, they may often have positive opinions and perceptions about the world. Angry people have angrier, negative opinions and perceptions. Sad people have negative opinions and perceptions.
It may not be you that’s the problem if someone doesn’t like you. They may just have something going on with them that’s coloring their perception.
On the other hand, it could just be that they don’t like you. They’re free to believe what they want, and you’re free to not care about it.
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree, but some people don’t like peaches.”
9. Embrace your authentic self.
What is an “authentic self?” It’s the person buried underneath the expectations of other people, society, and any other belief system that tells you that you should be someone you’re not.
There are so many rules and pressures put on the individual to conform so that you don’t make waves. This is a terrible way to exist if you have more in your soul than that. It’s difficult to embrace and live your authentic self. It may cause some waves. That’s okay, though. And do err on the side of your personal safety.
Embracing your authentic self to live the kind of life meant for you will allow you to create real, deep connections with other people. To be honest with the world about what’s in your heart and soul eases the burden of controlling narratives, censoring information, and trying to control the perceptions of others. Let them have their opinions. They aren’t relevant to you or your life.
