If these 10 behaviors sound familiar, your so-called friend is using you

Does one of your “friends” use you?

Two women stand against a gray background. The woman on the left has long wavy hair and wears a black lace top. The woman on the right has her hair in an updo and wears a light pink dress, looking towards the other woman.

Sometimes, a friend might not live up to that title. They might come across as friendly, but their actions tell a different story—one in which you are there for them to use and benefit from without reciprocity. The behaviors that follow reveal someone who has ulterior motives in the relationship; someone who is using you.

1. They only reach out when they need something.

A friend who is using you is not really interested in knowing you well or helping you. However, when they need help, they will be more than happy to call on you. This is often a matter of poor boundaries. If you always say yes, then they will just keep asking for help but never offer you the same. Once you start saying no, however, then they stop calling because they have no interest in you past what you can do for them.

2. They never offer you emotional support.

Two women are engaged in a friendly conversation. One woman is smiling and touching her temple, wearing a white sweater, while the other is blurred in the foreground. The setting appears to be casual and indoors.

You may always be there for them, but they are rarely, if ever, there for you. If they are there for you, it will likely be for your superficial problems that don’t really require much effort. They may also use the tactic of showing up and pretending to care, but they don’t actually do anything. In many cases, you will find that they don’t listen to you at all. Instead, they are only waiting for you to stop talking so they can make the conversation about themselves.

3. They take advantage of your kindness and goodwill.

Two women with long red hair stand in a forest with sunlight filtering through the trees. The woman in the foreground wears a leather jacket and looks towards the camera, while the other gazes to the side.

A so-called friend who knows you are kind-hearted will take advantage of your desire to see the good in others. Unless you have solid boundaries, they know that you will reason that they made a mistake. They may even go so far as to think it’s your own fault for not saying no, because people who exploit others often project that belief.

4. They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.

Two people are engaged in a conversation outdoors. The woman on the right, with long brown hair and wearing a gray sweater, is gesturing with her hands and has an expressive look on her face. The man on the left, with short brown hair, faces away from the camera.

A guilt trip is a natural form of manipulation that users employ without necessarily thinking about it. If you start setting boundaries or saying no, their goal becomes to make you feel bad so that you’ll change your mind. They will give sob stories about how everything is so hard for them, that they are a victim, and if you would just help them, then everything would be okay! Of course, they don’t actually appreciate or reciprocate that, and it’s usually not the truth, anyway.

5. They constantly borrow your things and don’t return them.

Two women are in the image, one in the foreground and the other in the background. The woman in the foreground has brown hair, tied back, and is looking down with a serious expression. The woman in the background has long brown hair and is also looking serious.

A friend who doesn’t value you may borrow your things and not make any effort to return them. They constantly have their hand out, wanting or needing something, and then exploiting your generosity when you offer it. That’s why it is so important to be comfortable telling your friends or family “no”. The people who value you will respect that, and they will return your stuff when you do lend it to them.

6. They dominate your conversations.

Two women are sitting on a bench in a park. One woman with light hair gestures as she speaks, while the other woman with dark hair listens with a serious expression. Trees and a building are visible in the background under sunny weather.

Conversation is like a tennis match where both people are swatting the ball back and forth. One talks, one listens, the other talks, the other listens. Fake friends often won’t extend you that courtesy. Instead, they spend a lot of time talking about themselves, talking over you, or focusing on their problems. They may even belittle your achievements and the things that you share with them that make you feel good, like hobbies or interests.

7. They often flake on plans, especially those that don’t benefit them.

A woman with long blonde hair sits alone in a modern restaurant, resting her chin on her hands and looking thoughtfully into the distance. The restaurant features green plants and wooden tables with green glasses, creating a serene atmosphere.

They tend to only stick around when it’s convenient for them. They may make plans and not include you, or cancel on your plans at the last minute. Yes, life happens. Sometimes we need to cancel. But if someone is consistently canceling on you, they are telling you that they don’t want to spend time with you. But, of course, they will pop right back up when they need something or the plans benefit them.

8. They may try to use your social networks.

Two businesswomen in professional attire, one in a navy suit and the other in a beige suit, are engaged in a conversation in a bright, modern office space. In the blurred background, two men are also conversing near a window with a city view.

It’s always good to help a friend out. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. However, a so-called friend may look at your social network as their own resource to be used for personal gain without considering your feelings or standing. They may insist you ask favors from your network on their behalf without doing any of the work that goes into building a relationship with someone.

9. They undermine your self-esteem and self-worth.

Two young men are sitting outdoors, leaning against a brick wall. The man in the foreground has a pensive expression with slightly tousled hair and a beard. The man in the background is out of focus and appears to be looking in a different direction.

Undermining a person’s self-esteem and self-worth influences their behavior and perception. A person without strong boundaries who can’t identify what is happening may come to grow dependent on external validation from the manipulator. The goal is to make you want to earn your so-called friend’s favor so that you will be more inclined to do what they want and sacrifice for them.

10. They don’t show any gratitude or appreciation.

Two women sit at a table covered with notebooks, coffee cups, pens, and a potted plant. One woman, in a red polka dot blouse, points at the other woman's notebook. The other woman, in a striped shirt, looks down, appearing to study or read.

They never show true gratitude or appreciate what you do for them. Instead, they feel entitled to your money, things, what you can do for them, and time. They don’t thank you, or if they do, their appreciation is shallow and dismissive. A real friend will genuinely appreciate what you do for them, and they will in turn want to provide value back to you and your life.