12 Sincere Phrases Effective Communicators Use During Arguments

Speaking these words can defuse tensions.

A woman with long brown hair is engaged in conversation, holding a small glass. She is sitting at a table in a bright setting with green plants in the background.

Arguments are inevitable, but knowing how to communicate through them can mean the difference between a stronger, more loving bond, or someone sleeping on the couch for a while. The phrases that follow are the ones that effective communicators use most, and are ideal for achieving loving resolutions.

1. “Let’s both take a break to cool down, and then come back to this.”

A middle-aged man with gray hair and a beard sits on a couch, comforting an older man with white hair and a beard. They appear to be having a serious conversation in a living room with bookshelves in the background.

It’s easier to resolve conflicts when both parties can think coolly and rationally, rather than being overwhelmed by emotion. An effective communicator will suggest that both parties need a break (rather than just one), which will allow heightened feelings to calm down. Once they’ve chilled a bit, they can regroup and talk more civilly.

2. “Should we, perhaps, try to de-escalate things?”

A man and woman stand outdoors in contemplation. The man with a short beard looks down, wearing a jacket and holding a camera. The woman with curly hair looks down with arms crossed, wearing a bright purple coat. They are in a blurred urban setting.

When someone is being argumentative and tensions are high, asking this question gives them an opportunity to stop and analyze whether their behavior is helping or exacerbating what’s going on. If they would rather resolve the issue than keep fighting, this is a chance for them to choose to do so without judgment. Framing it as “we” helps to avoid defensiveness on their part and promotes self-reflection in the asker.

3. “We’re a team here, so let’s work together for a solution.”

A man with a beard and a backpack engages in conversation with a woman wearing a coat and carrying a white quilted bag. They are standing on a city street with shops and greenery in the background.

A person who gets defensive easily due to past conflicts they’ve endured might feel that you’re out to hurt them, rather than remain their loving partner or friend even during arguments. A phrase like this one reassures them that you’re still on the same side, and that you want to work with them to make everything better.

4. “Would you like a (non-alcoholic) beverage?”

A man and woman lean on a balcony railing, sipping from mugs. They are dressed casually and appear relaxed, enjoying their drinks while gazing into the distance. The background is blurred, suggesting an outdoor urban setting.

If you know them well, offer them a coffee, tea, or whatever they like best to show that even in the heat of the argument, you love them and want to do something for them. Doing so also offers a temporary reprieve in hostility, which can allow tempers to cool and minds to reassert themselves.

5. “I’m feeling a little tired—do you mind if we sit down?”

Two people in a serious conversation inside a modern building. The person on the left wears a brown shirt, and the person on the right is in a gray suit. They are standing by a railing, engaged in discussion.

When people are shouting and angry, it’s better to get everyone to sit down. However, asking someone to sit down in the middle of an argument doesn’t usually go over too well. In this scenario, you’re exerting no authority over the other, but are instead inviting them to sit down and release some of the pent-up tension.

6. “Let’s both share our perspectives to determine the truth of the situation.”

A woman with short red hair is engaged in a serious conversation with a bearded man with dreadlocks who is gesturing with his hand. They are indoors, with a large window in the background providing natural light. Both are focused on each other.

Asking someone straight out if they’re assuming things or focusing on what’s actually going on can be inflammatory—rather like you’re trying to gaslight them. Instead, you can both bring your respective perspectives to the table, and by comparing them, find the core truth of the matter at hand.

7. “How can we resolve this right now?”

Two women are sitting on a light-colored sofa in a cozy living room. One has short hair and wears a green shirt, while the other has long hair and wears a light blue shirt. They seem to be having an emotional conversation, with one woman placing her hand on the other's arm.

This simple query offers the opportunity for peace. Additionally, you can gauge whether or not the one you’re arguing with wants this argument to end, or if they want to fight as a means of releasing stress. Or determine whether they simply want to attack you out of spite, and have little interest in a resolution.

8. “Are you angry at me? Or is something else bothering you?”

A man and a woman are sitting closely together outdoors. The man is looking down, his expression serious, while the woman, with long blonde hair, looks intently ahead, appearing deep in thought or concerned. Both are wearing casual clothing.

This one needs to be said calmly not to inflame the situation, but is a good way of determining whether there’s an actual issue between you, or if you’re being used as a “heat sink” for something else. Quite often, the other person will admit that they’re upset about another issue and are having difficulty with emotional regulation.

9. “The past cannot be undone—all we have is now.”

Two women indoors, one in focus looking concerned and the other slightly blurred, facing away. The background is softly lit, suggesting a home or casual setting.

People tend to bring up past perceived transgressions during arguments to add fuel to the fire, especially if they feel that they’re “losing”. As such, they might mention mistakes you’ve made in the past in order to gain traction by hurting you. Bring attention back to the issue at hand, and leave the past where it is.

10. “Do you feel that this is solving things? How do you feel that we can solve this?”

Two women are having a serious conversation outdoors. One woman with her back to the camera has long blonde hair and is wearing a maroon shirt. The other woman with long brown hair and wearing a blue tank top has a concerned expression and gesturing with her hands.

If someone is stuck in a loop and is running on high emotion, they may not realize that their actions aren’t moving the discussion towards any kind of resolution. Saying this brings attention back to the core foundation of what’s going on, with intentions to solve it, rather than keeping angry momentum going indefinitely.

11. “I don’t want to argue—I just want to help you.”

Two women sit across from each other at an outdoor café table. One woman looks concerned and holds a cup, while the other, in a gray coat, gently touches her hand. A potted plant is on the table, and a window displays a cake inside.

This one can take the wind out of an argument like little else, especially if the other person is feeling as though they’re being attacked. Those with PTSD from rough beginnings can often get blinded by their fight-or-flight instincts, so reassuring them that you love them and want to help can put out the fire immediately.

12. (What is the attitude and mindset that you have going into a fight?)

A middle-aged couple is sitting closely together outdoors, looking serious and contemplative. The man has gray hair and is wearing a beige scarf, while the woman has dark hair pulled back, sunglasses on her head, and is wearing a floral scarf.

This phrase is an internalized one, rather than spoken, and asks whether the overlay a person has in their mind of what a conflict looks like is dictating its reality. Ask yourself if you WANT to fight, or to hurt/tear down your friend/partner? Or are you seeking resolution towards a more loving relationship?