Don’t make these mistakes.
Difficult people are hard to avoid. You may encounter them socially, professionally, or even in your own family. And knowing how to react and respond to their behavior isn’t something that always comes naturally. Chances are, you are guilty of making at least a few of the following mistakes when in the presence of a difficult person or difficult behavior.
1. Reacting emotionally to their stubbornness.
It’s reasonable to respond with anger and frustration when you’re dealing with someone who is stubborn or difficult. You can’t reach a comfortable middle ground if the other person wants to hold their breath, pout, and fight you the whole way. However, as Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, a psychologist and the creator of Nonviolent Communication, emphasizes in his work, you can’t let yourself fall into that pit of anger and frustration. If you do, you will escalate them and make the situation worse, as well as give them leverage to manipulate others against you because they can blame your “rudeness”.
2. Engaging in their power struggles.
You’ve probably realized that trying to “win” an argument against a difficult person is a fool’s errand at best. In many cases, they aren’t even trying to win. Instead, they are trying to root themselves in place until you get tired and just give up. Furthermore, you probably don’t care enough to go as far as they go. Difficult people have an indefinite amount of energy for being unpleasant and difficult in most cases. You’ll get tired way before they do, and even if you do win, it’s rarely worth the time.
3. Taking their difficulty personally.
You may make the mistake of internalizing their behavior as a reflection on you. But as Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist dealing with emotional patterns discusses in her books, the other person isn’t difficult because of anything you did or didn’t do. They’re difficult because they are choosing to be difficult. They could just as easily choose to try to work with you to get to common ground and a solution for whatever the problem is, but they don’t. They don’t because they don’t want to. They either want to win or spread their own misery to others.
4. Failing to set healthy boundaries.
A difficult person can drain your time, patience, energy, and emotions for as long as you choose to engage on their terms. You need clear boundaries and the ability to enforce them to limit their negative influence on you. If you don’t, then they will keep engaging with you, dragging it out, and whittle you down more and more until you finally just give up and give in. Additionally, negativity perpetuates negativity. The more you stay engaged in it, the worse your own moods will become.
5. Overexplaining themselves.
Difficult people often try to wear you down so you get to the point where you will just agree with their demands. One way they try to do that is to bait you into engaging in a disingenuous “discussion” where they try to make you defend your position or actions. That kind of behavior should be paid attention to so you can limit your engagement. Sure, it’s alright to explain it once so anyone can understand, but a difficult person won’t settle for that. Instead, they keep bringing it up over and over to wear you down and to find holes in your arguments.
6. Ignoring their behavior, hoping it will go away.
It won’t. Ignoring it just tells the difficult person they need to try harder, keep poking, and keep prodding until they get the reaction that they want. The better approach is to address the problem directly armed with boundaries and an exit plan for dealing with the difficult person. Not getting bogged down in the swamp of their toxicity is the goal. That way, you can more easily extract yourself from the situation when ready.
7. Matching their negativity and toxic behavior.
“Never mud wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig likes it.” There is no saying that more perfectly represents why you don’t want to stoop to their level, as tempting as it is. Whatever negativity and toxic behavior you throw back at them is just going to cause them to become more defensive and push back harder. You won’t win, and you just show other people that you can’t handle difficult people or situations with grace.
8. Assuming that they will change.
Some people just like being difficult. They feel comfortable being angry, mean, and treating other people poorly. No amount of kindness, logic, or patience will change these people because the reason for their behavior isn’t logical. In many cases, they are choosing to be difficult and use hostility instead of civility. It’s not necessarily bad to give someone the benefit of the doubt on occasion. However, if someone is consistently difficult, then there’s no reason to.
9. Allowing them to derail and distract.
One strategy that difficult people use to tear you down is distraction. They may start bringing up unrelated points to get you thinking about them, derailing your thought process from the current conflict. Now, you’re focused on trying to figure out what’s relevant while trying to figure out how to resolve this issue. Don’t let them sidetrack you or distract you from what matters to you on your side of the argument.
10. Neglecting self-care.
Difficult people can be found in all walks of life. Sometimes it’s family members who are a pain in the butt, other times it may be people you have to deal with at work. Not everyone has the luxury of just finding a new job or going no-contact with family. Still, you have to maintain your own mental health and stay emotionally balanced. Create time for self-care where you can take a breather, recharge, and get ready for the next round of garbage these difficult people will throw your way.
