Is your partner often angry?
Frustration in a relationship is pretty normal.
But if you feel like things are starting to get out of control, we’ve got some suggestions for you.
Remember that feeling safe is something you absolutely deserve and that there is always help available if you need it.
1. Consider whether there is an underlying reason for your partner’s anger.
If your partner is consistently angry or loses control of their feelings often, there is an underlying issue that needs resolving.
Of course, we all get frustrated at times, but you shouldn’t have to put up with anyone in your life with a persistent anger-management issue that affects you.
Consider what may be driving this anger or lack of control.
Is it something to do with their childhood or something that’s happening at work that’s left them feeling overwhelmed?
By thinking about the reasons behind your partner’s behavior, you can be more compassionate and better-equipped to help them overcome the issues they’re facing.
2. Identify any triggers or patterns in their behavior.
Is there something you can think of that consistently happens right before your partner gets angry? According to Talkspace therapy, identifying your partner’s triggers is as important as good communication (which we’ll cover next).
Maybe they fly off the handle every time their sports team loses. Maybe it’s after a meeting at work or after seeing a certain person.
Try to make a mental note of what happens before an angry episode.
This will help you figure out what’s driving the behavior and puts you in a good position to communicate about it from a caring place, rather than lashing back out at them.
3. Be open and honest with them.
It’s likely that your partner is well aware of how frustrated they can get sometimes, which makes it easier to talk about with them.
Come from an honest, open place and communicate how you feel.
Don’t put all the blame on them, but let them know how their behavior feels and that it worries you seeing them getting so angry over things.
This shows that you care about them and are approaching them from a place of love, rather than making them feel guilty and out of control.
Make sure they know that you want to help them resolve these issues, but that you also want them to take responsibility for what they’re doing.
4. Be clear about your expectations.
If your partner gets frustrated and angry a lot of the time, it’s likely to upset you and wear you down.
It’s important for your own health and well-being to let them know what expectations you have from them and from your relationship.
You want to feel loved and safe, and like you can express yourself without being lashed out at.
Tell them what you want and how you think you can both make adjustments to achieve this.
Be realistic – everyone gets angry sometimes so you can’t expect them to be mellow all the time; give them time to adjust and don’t expect a new person overnight.
It’s important to make it clear that you still love them and that you don’t want them to change their whole personality.
You still want to be with them; you just want them to be a bit more in control of their emotions.
5. Be clear and firm in setting boundaries.
It can be really hard to be with someone who is often very angry, and it’s okay to be uncomfortable with that.
As we said, you can’t expect your partner to become a completely different person overnight, but setting boundaries will help you feel better, and will encourage them to moderate their moods. According to Psychology Today, a lot of couples avoid setting boundaries for fear of it causing anger, when in fact, boundaries do the opposite.
Again, be honest and caring, but set some ground rules and boundaries.
This will naturally follow on from stating your expectations, and is just a way of putting those expectations into action.
If you’ve said you expect them to complain and rant less each day, set a boundary for it – you’re each allowed 10 minutes after work to moan about colleagues, criticize your boss, or complain about your friend who’s upset you.
That’s a fair way of establishing some limits on unhealthy behavior and will help them self-regulate and calm down more easily in the future.
6. Remember, your wants and needs deserve to be met.
Think about what you need from your partner. In order to have a healthy relationship, you both need to have your needs and wants met.
Sure, not all the time, but enough that it balances out any moments where you feel upset or betrayed.
Do you feel safe? Do you feel valued? Do you feel happy? If the answer to these questions is anywhere between ‘not all the time’ and ‘never,’ you really need to consider what you’re actually getting from the relationship.
You matter, and so do your needs. Being with an angry person means that your feelings and thoughts are often overlooked or overshadowed due to their bigger feelings and thoughts – they yell, you talk, so you often feel like you’re not heard.
Is your partner so busy complaining about his job that you never get a chance to talk about your job, or your friends, or your life.
Are you listened to or are you always having to listen?
Are you allowed to get angry at things or do they monopolize that feeling and leave you in the position of just having to accept it, swallow your own frustrations, and play nice in order to keep the peace?
Deep down, you know the answers.
Listen to your needs and wants, and honor them – you should never have to ‘put up with their anger’ or ‘just deal with it.’
7. Seek external support.
If you’ve worked through these tips and not much is changing, you may need to seek professional support. It’s not a sign of failure or weakness, in fact it’s a sign that you are committed to your relationship and to doing everything you can to make it work.
There may be deeper issues at play causing your partner’s anger that go beyond the scope of self help. Or it may be that you need an outsider’s perspective to help you identify any unhelpful behaviors in your relationship that are contributing to the cycle of anger.
Therapy isn’t about blame or shame, it’s about giving your relationship the best chance, and giving you both the happiness and safety that you deserve.
8. End the relationship and seek refuse if you feel unsafe.
If you feel unsafe in your relationship, you need to seek external help.
Nobody should live in fear – especially fear that is caused by someone they love, and who loves them.
So many people stay in relationships with partners that get angry and potentially hurt them because they are too scared to leave, or they think they can change their partner.
There is a difference between a partner who swears when they burn themselves cooking and a partner who controls your behavior with their rage and leaves you feeling scared. According to Health Central, if anger is being used to control or manipulate you, you are likely experiencing some form of abuse.
In these circumstances, you will never, ever change your partner. They need help and you need to find a way to leave in order to protect yourself.
Yes, this has taken a serious turn, but we can’t express just how important it is to look after yourself.
Leaving someone you love does not make you a bad person.
You should not feel guilty for leaving someone who needs help or is vulnerable if they are making you feel scared and in danger.
There are plenty of ways to get help, from online forums to close friends you can trust, and from hotlines to counselors.
Remember that you must love yourself more than your partner, even if that means leaving them to protect yourself.
