Nothing a narcissist says is unintentional.
Nothing a narcissist says or does is ever random. Instead, everything is a carefully calculated move — rather like a chess player plotting their movements across the board. Take note of the following seemingly innocent requests that the narcissist in your life might make of you; there’s always more going on than meets the eye.
1. “Can you take care of something for me?”
This is a tiny step towards alleviating their own workload and foisting it onto someone else. They might ask you to do one of their chores or work tasks because they’re too tired, and then you’ll be expected to do it forever because you’re so much better at it.
Much like boiling a frog, their “little requests” will increase incrementally until you’re doing all their work for them. Oh, and if you say no, you’re horribly selfish and they’ll refuse to help you when you need it.
2. “May I use your phone quickly to look something up?”
Narcissists will say things like this so they can snoop through your messaging apps to see who you’re talking to. The concept of respecting your privacy doesn’t come into the equation, and they’ll come up with a variety of different excuses to access your phone on demand.
The psychology behind snooping is rooted in personal insecurity. Since narcissists are invariably crippled by insecurity and fear of abandonment, they justify going through your phone as a means of protecting themselves against potential threats.
3. “Can I offer you some advice?”
According to Simply Psychology, narcissists need to control and dominate others at all times as a defense mechanism: their fragile egos only remain intact as long as they’re considered superior and can dictate to their lessers about how to behave.
When a narcissist asks if they can offer advice, they’re opening a door in which they’ll be allowed to tell you what you “should” do, according to them. Once that door is opened, you’ll never be permitted to close it again.
4. “Do it for me?”
This is a guilt tactic used by narcissists to manipulate others into doing what they want. The narcissist will go into vulnerable victim mode to coerce the other person into doing as requested, otherwise their feelings will be hurt.
If this tactic works on you once, they’ll keep using it forever. They want to make you feel like they’re so important in your life, and they do so very much for you, that doing what they want is really the least you can do for them in turn.
5. “Want to go on a trip with me?”
Narcissists are apparently famous for abandoning their partners in foreign countries if they suddenly have a devalue-and-discard epiphany. In fact, some of them will intentionally book an extravagant trip and then abandon their partner partway through it as a means of punishing them for one reason or another.
If you suspect that the person you’re dating (or are married to) is a narcissist, don’t travel overseas with them. Furthermore, always ensure that you have the means and finances to get home safely any time you leave the house with them.
6. “Let me do something nice for you, okay?”
Those who are familiar with old folk tales are well aware that you never agree to a favor from the Faerie Folk. This is because once they do something for you, you’ll owe them a favor in turn.
Narcissists don’t do anything out of the kindness of the spaces where their hearts should be: everything is a calculated move. If they’re offering a favor, it’s because they want you to be in their debt, thus placing themselves in a position of power over you.
7. “Talk to me about what’s bothering you.”
That’s a whole lot of nope right there. A narcissist who’s encouraging you to be vulnerable and open up to them is one who’s fishing for evidence to manipulate you with at the most advantageous time possible.
You can’t trust them with any personal details, so don’t share anything with them that you wouldn’t share with a complete stranger while on public transit. Anything you say can and will be used against you whenever they see fit to do so.
8. “Let me pay for that for you.”
This is another means of establishing a debt between you. If they paid for this, then they’re perfectly within their rights to borrow money from you at some point in the future. The more they offer to spend on your behalf, the more they’ll feel entitled to borrow.
Don’t be surprised if they ask for you to fund something major that they’ve always wanted. They may have loaned you a few hundred to cover rent, so that means you should be willing to lend them thousands in turn.
9. “May I add your friends/family members on social media?”
The only answer to this is “no”.
Narcissists try to get close to their target’s family members and friends in an attempt to win them over with charm. That way, when the person inevitably tells these people about the narcissist’s abuse, they can play the victim and claim that their target is unstable and is hurting them with false accusations.
Befriending those close to them can also assist with triangulation and attempts to cause jealousy. Keep the narcissist well away from anyone you care about.
10. “Will you cancel your plans to stay with me instead?”
The narcissist in your life needs constant reassurance that they’re the most important person in your world. If you’ve made plans with friends or family, or you’re attending something that you’ve been looking forward to, they’ll often ask you to cancel it to stay with them instead.
This is both a test and a power play: if you say “no”, they’ll punish you for abandoning them and bruising their ego. If you agree, they’ll lose respect for you and will be even more controlling.
11. “Have you ever considered changing X thing about your appearance?”
Many narcissists like the idea of a person (and their potential to become the narcissist’s “dream partner”), rather than the person themselves. As a result, they may get involved with someone who’s *almost* perfect in their eyes, with the goal of making the subtle adjustments needed to improve them.
They’ll start by suggesting that you’d look great with a different hairstyle or color, then move on to clothing options, workouts, even dietary choices, until they’ve molded you into their ideal.
12. “Can I have a key to your place?”
This request can come from a narcissistic partner, friend, or family member. Essentially, they want to be able to access your personal space whenever they want to, and will couch this request in the guise of trying to help you.
For example, they can water your plants when you’re away, or check in on you if you aren’t feeling well. Don’t do it. It’s giving them carte blanche to intensify their abuse towards you, leaving you without a safe space to retreat to that they can’t access.
