Narcissists test their victims in these 12 ways.
Narcissists are generally terrified of abandonment and seek to ensure their own safety and comfort by any means necessary. As a result, they’ll perpetually test their victims to see just how loyal and devoted they are. If they pass the tests, they’ll keep them around for a while. If they don’t, they’ll either be punished, or discarded in favor of someone “better”. Below are 12 of the common ways they’ll test their victim’s loyalty.
1. Causing drama to see how much they’ll be allowed to get away with.
Many narcissists will create some sort of major issue to test whether their victim will either pander to them or call them out on their poor behavior.
For example, they might neglect their health to force their victim into a position where they have to care for them. If their victim dotes on them lovingly, they’ve passed the test. In contrast, if their victim gives them hell for neglecting themselves and gives them an ultimatum regarding taking care of themselves, the narcissist will see that as a sign of disloyalty and neglect.
2. Threatening to leave to see how fiercely the person will fight to keep them.
Generally, narcissists will threaten to leave as a means of controlling their victim. According to Psychology Today, if the victim doesn’t behave the way the narcissist wants, their abuser will whip out the threat of leaving to see what they’ll do.
If their victim quickly falls in line and behaves as expected, or drops everything to show how much they care, they’ve passed the loyalty test. If they don’t, they’ve failed and are considered disloyal.
It’s worth noting, that narcissists often back down from their threats to leave if called out on this behavior, but some may punish their victims in a different way instead.
3. Strategic self-harm.
According to research, narcissists may partake in deliberate self-harm to avoid failing at things that are important to them. As a result, those who may feel that a close relationship is threatened may intentionally injure themselves to evoke sympathy and gain attention from their victims.
If the victims assuage their fears with reassurance and tender ministrations, they pass the loyalty test. That said, since the narcissist knows this approach works with them, they’ll threaten it again in the future whenever they feel insecure.
4. Ghosting or giving the silent treatment.
Narcissists are masters of ghosting and giving the silent treatment. They’ll disappear from their victims’ lives without any warning just to see how much effort the victim will put into reconnecting with them.
If their victim tries to reach out to them by any means necessary, including showing up at their home or office, they’re proving to the narcissist just how important they are to them. In contrast, if they flow with things and don’t fight to reconnect, the narcissist views that as a sign of disloyalty and imminent betrayal.
5. Faking illness or injury to see whether their victim will prioritize them.
Situations like this usually occur when the victim has something else going on that’s important to them, like a family gathering, a competition, or a special event that they’ve been looking forward to.
Essentially, the narcissist wants their victim to prove to them that they’re more important than anything or anyone else in their life. If they drop everything and come running to the narcissist’s aid, the narcissist is reassured about their loyalty. If not, they’re quickly devalued and discarded in favor of someone more pliant.
6. Trying to cause jealousy.
This happens most often if the narcissist’s victim is their romantic partner, but can also happen between immediate family members like parents and children. The narcissist will start to imply that they care about someone else more than their target, in an attempt to cause jealousy and insecurity.
They’re so afraid of being abandoned or unloved that they’ll test loyalty in such a juvenile fashion to see how fiercely their victim will try to prove just how much they love them.
7. Mocking their victim in public to see whether there will be repercussions or not.
Narcissists expect complete loyalty and obedience from their victims, no matter how they behave. As such, they’ll continue to test the limits of what their partners or family members will tolerate from them. This behavior usually increases incrementally as their victim tolerates greater and more frequent infractions.
If their victim calls them out on their terrible behavior, the narcissist will play the victim and gaslight their partner for “overreacting”, saying how hurt they are that their victim thinks they would actually do something that terrible.
8. Faked helplessness.
Even if they’re completely capable of doing something on their own, they’ll act as though they need help with it to see how much of it their victim will take on. They may even weaponize incompetence, such as “accidentally” throwing red clothes into the white wash or letting food burn.
They do this to see how much their victim supposedly loves them and is willing to take over from them like a parent or caregiver. To many narcissists, being loved = being babied and fussed over, without any responsibility or obligation.
9. Causing their victim pain.
Causing pain is another means by which a narcissist will test how much their victim is willing to tolerate. They really try to push those close to them as hard as they can to test their loyalty. This may include insulting them, invalidating their feelings, giving away their belongings (or pets), or hurting them physically.
If their victim doesn’t tolerate their awful actions with complete understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, they’re labeled as disloyal, and quickly discarded as being undeserving.
10. Checking their victim’s phone or other messages when they’re asleep or not around.
This can happen whether the narcissist in question is the victim’s partner, parent, child, friend, or housemate. If their phone or computer is left unguarded while they’re out of the room, the abuser will inevitably go through it to see who they’ve been talking to, and what they’ve been saying.
They do this to look for any potential sign that their victim may be disloyal or planning to leave them. In their minds, protecting themselves against possible disloyalty justifies invading their partner’s privacy.
11. Asking for ridiculous favors.
Some narcissists assign their victims ridiculous or unreasonable tasks to see how far they’re willing to go for them, and what they’re willing to tolerate. The narcissist might ask their partner or child to drive across town to pick up a dish from their favorite restaurant, then take one bite of it before throwing it out to see how they’ll react.
Any response from their victim other than unconditional support and requests on how else they can serve their taskmaster will be considered a failure.
12. Gaslighting.
Since narcissists want to be obeyed, agreed with, and adored without question, they’ll often imply that their victims have remembered something incorrectly, especially if their memory is about something that puts the narcissist in a bad light.
If their victim accepts that their own memories and feelings were wrong, they’ve passed this ridiculous loyalty test. Of course, if they argue with their abuser and insist that they were right, well that just shows that they’re far too strong to keep around.
