A lot of people joke about how their parents were absent or neglectful when they were children. Still, the reality is that an emotionally absent childhood can result in serious struggles later in life. If your parents failed to give you the loving care and attention you needed during your foundational years, you may find you can relate to the traits and habits listed below.
1. You have little to no connection with your parents or caregivers.
Those whose parents or caregivers were emotionally absent during their childhood usually can’t conceive of a family life that’s supportive, nurturing, or even friendly. They have few fond memories of their formative years, and likely left home the moment they were able to legally do so.
If any of those situations sound familiar, you may have little to no contact with your immediate family members now. You’ve likely moved far away from them, and although you may hear from them occasionally, you don’t miss them. At all.
2. You are fiercely self-sufficient because you’ve always had to depend on yourself.
Those who grew up with emotionally absent parents are often hyper-independent. They learned early that they couldn’t trust anyone else to do things for them, and had to figure out how to do things for themselves.
According to Freedom Psychology, this can result in a lack of trust in others in adulthood. As such, you may have earned yourself the “control freak” label because you prefer to take on all responsibilities rather than delegate them to others. After all, if you’re doing things yourself, at least you can trust that they’ll get done.
3. You experience abandonment anxiety.
If you go out with friends and lose sight of them momentarily, you may experience a flash of anxiety that they’ve gone off and left you behind. Similarly, you may constantly need reassurance from your partner that they still love you, and that your relationship is still okay.
According to Psych Central, those who experienced emotional or physical abandonment as children become hypervigilant about potential warning signs that it might happen again. These are a subconscious self-defense mechanism to help them avoid experiencing the same kind of pain they did as children. The problem is that these warning signs may be real or perceived, so they don’t always reflect the reality of the situation.
4. You have an extensive collection of material possessions.
Those whose parents kept their distance from them had to figure out how to self-soothe and keep themselves engaged and entertained on their own. As a result, many get attached to material possessions and have strong sentimental attachments to them.
You might use “retail therapy” as a way to alleviate stress or upset, and you may have extensive collections of things you adore. You may panic if you can’t find an item that means a lot to you, and you don’t lend belongings to anyone.
5. You experience rejection aversion.
Since your own parents or caregivers were absent, you may be extremely hypersensitive to rejection. You may hesitate to get involved in groups that you’d like to be a part of because you’re afraid they won’t welcome you, and you may be devastated if your job applications are turned down.
Similarly, you may feel intense anxiety about getting into romantic relationships. You might be afraid of rejection if you express your emotions, and even more terrified of getting close to someone in case they leave you.
6. You are hypersensitive to criticism.
Some people’s parents criticized them constantly, leading them to believe it was their own shortcomings that caused the emotional absence; that if only they’d been better somehow, they would have been able to earn their parents’ love.
If this happened to you as a child, you may now be hypersensitive to criticism as an adult. Even constructive suggestions may be taken as personal attacks, and you might assume that people are judging you harshly at all times, leading you to feel intensely self-conscious.
7. You strive for recognition through achievement.
Many people who had an emotionally absent childhood didn’t receive much support or recognition from their immediate family. The only praise they got was from peers, teachers, or sometimes strangers.
If you fall into this category, you may have pursued a high-status career and higher education in order to be recognized and respected by those around you. Having a title, doctorate, or prestigious position often commands respect, especially if you end up in the public eye on a regular basis. And that adoration and respect is something that was severely lacking in your childhood.
8. You are hesitant to trust those who tell you they love you.
When the words “I love you” are conditional, it’s difficult to accept them without wondering what you’ll have to do to keep earning that love. After all, those who claimed to love you in the past ended up hurting you terribly or withdrew their love if you didn’t behave the way they wanted you to.
As such, you may instantly feel mistrust if someone expresses that they love you, assuming they must want something from you, or that they are bound to hurt and betray you sooner or later.
9. You experience discomfort expressing your emotions (or have difficulty in doing so).
Emotionally unavailable parents often stop their children from expressing their own feelings, and may even punish them for unwanted expressions such as crying. If you grew up in an environment like this, you may not feel comfortable expressing your emotions around others.
Furthermore, you might even have difficulty recognizing your own emotions. If you learned early to tamp down your feelings when they arose, you may now do that instinctively. While this gives you an air of stoicism and self-control, it may also have negative repercussions on your health, both mentally and physically.
10. You are conflict-avoidant.
In a healthy family, difficult conversations will be broached with patience and empathy to achieve the best resolution possible. In contrast, emotionally absent caregivers will either sidestep, ignore, or dismiss uncomfortable topics entirely.
Those who grew up in the latter circumstances often end up being conflict-avoidant themselves. They will try to circumvent difficult topics or simply ignore them as best they can and hope they resolve themselves without the need to experience the discomfort of talking about them.
11. You may have body image issues.
Some emotionally absent parents only really spoke to their kids to criticize them, often about their appearance. As a result, many of those children grow up to be perfectionists, especially when it comes to body shape and size, and personal appearance.
You may be intensely self-critical and either work out excessively to maintain a certain physique, or you may have struggled with disordered eating for years. Additionally, you may base a great deal of your self-worth on how many people find you attractive.
12. You’re unlikely to ask for help when you need it.
Since your parents likely dismissed all your feelings when you were a child, including when you went to them for help, you’ve learned to second-guess or dismiss your own needs the same way. This can lead you to think that you’re overreacting or being annoying when you need help, even if you feel seriously unwell.
You could be clutching your chest as your hand goes numb and still not ask for help. You feel that you don’t truly need (or deserve) help, and even if you did, you don’t believe that anyone would come to assist you anyway.
