People who have established strong boundaries, and who defend them fiercely, rarely experience the following situations. So if they seem familiar to you, your boundaries are either weaker than they should be (and thus need some work), or they haven’t been established at all.
1. Others get upset with you if you say “no” to any of their demands.
Difficulty saying no is a hallmark of poor boundaries, according to Very Well Mind. So, it stands to reason that the people in your life are so accustomed to you acquiescing to whatever they want, that they get shocked and upset if you dare to say “no” to anything.
If you do try to say that you aren’t available, they demand to know why and keep pressing you until you explain and justify yourself to their satisfaction.
2. You’re often frustrated because others don’t respect your privacy.
People might just walk into your room, go through your things (like your phone), or ask incredibly inappropriate questions about your personal life. They seem to feel that they have free rein to do this because nobody (i.e. you) has ever told them that they weren’t allowed to do so.
3. People you don’t want to spend time with keep insisting on talking to you.
You may have tried to distance yourself from people who treat you poorly, or whom you’d rather not have in your life anymore — such as ex-partners or friends you’ve fallen out with — but they keep calling you, texting you, or showing up where they know you’ll be.
According to Psych Central, when someone ignores your “no” in this way, they are violating your boundaries. This might be because you aren’t defending your boundaries strong enough, or perhaps you haven’t actually been clear in your boundaries in the first place.
4. You feel uncomfortable when people touch you a certain way, but you’re afraid of negative repercussions if you ask them to stop.
According to UCL graduate and business coach, Nathalie Van Haaren, it’s common to neglect your own needs when your boundaries are non-existent.
As such, you might tolerate being touched in ways that you dislike, such as being hugged too hard or tapped during conversations, but you tolerate this because you’re afraid of making other people angry if you speak up and let them know that they’re making you uncomfortable.
Alternatively, you may have spoken up before, but they continue doing it because you don’t enforce any consequences for crossing that boundary.
5. Your social groups pressure you to behave in ways you dislike.
You might choose not to drink, smoke, or date casually, but those you socialize with keep trying to pressure you into doing those things because they do. Either you haven’t made it abundantly clear to them that you’re not interested, or you acquiesce (or even make weak excuses) in order to avoid confrontation.
6. Others do what they want around you (or to you) despite your quiet, feeble protestations.
You may have tried to establish boundaries with others regarding their behavior around you, but they do what they want anyway because they know there won’t be any negative repercussions. Even if you’ve threatened them with consequences, you’ve never followed through, so they know they can get away with anything.
7. You drop everything to help others with whatever they need because you feel expected to do so.
People turn to you for help with just about everything instead of trying to do it themselves, because they know you’ll come running when they want you to. This could be as simple as calling you from the kitchen to find something in the fridge because they just couldn’t be bothered to look hard enough.
8. You often feel drained because you prove your worth by serving others.
You perpetually deplete yourself for other people’s benefit because you feel like you have to keep earning their love and respect through selfless acts of service. The bottom line here is that you’re afraid that if you don’t keep doing these things, they might decide you’re not worth keeping around, and leave you.
9. You’re haunted by past experiences in which you didn’t give consent for things that you ended up going along with.
You might have PTSD or other traumatic flashbacks due to things you’ve experienced in the past. You’ve likely consented to things that you didn’t really want in order to be liked or to avoid the potential discomfort of confrontation or rejection, and that ended up being to your detriment.
10. Others use your belongings without asking because they know you’ll say “yes.”
You may discover your siblings or housemates using your clothes or eating the food you got for yourself, and say nothing about it because you don’t want to make them feel bad. Alternatively, you don’t bother getting upset with them because you’ve learned that expressing your hurt feelings won’t change anything.
11. You post vague things on social media about your struggles with other people instead of confronting them directly about what’s bothering you.
You keep hoping that things will improve with the people in your life who mistreat you, and think that if you make vague comments about the situation, and how you feel about it, they’ll come to the epiphany that they’re hurting you and try to do better. But they don’t, and never will.
12. You keep hoping that other people will treat you as well as you treat them, but they never do.
You might plan their birthday months in advance so they have a wonderful time, and in turn, they’ll give you something they picked up at the gas station last minute. Or you cook lavish meals for them but they only get takeout for themselves, treating you like you exist for their benefit, with no reciprocation necessary.
