Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and sometimes the most effective approaches go against conventional wisdom. These strategies might raise eyebrows at the playground or family gatherings, but they build resilience, emotional intelligence, and authentic happiness in children. The path less traveled often leads to the most remarkable outcomes in raising humans who thrive in an increasingly complex world.
1. Allow them to fail.
The protective instinct kicks in fast when we see our children struggling. That science project falling apart the night before it’s due? The heartbreak when they’re not invited to a birthday party? These moments feel excruciating to witness.
Yet failure serves as life’s most potent teacher. When children experience setbacks within a supportive environment, they develop critical coping mechanisms that serve them throughout life. Their problem-solving abilities strengthen with each challenge overcome independently.
Rushing to rescue teaches dependence rather than resilience. Children who never taste disappointment often crumble when facing inevitable adult challenges.
That doesn’t mean you can’t support them. Offer a shoulder to cry on, validate their feelings, and then gently guide them toward finding their own solutions. Ask questions like “What could you try next?” rather than providing immediate answers.
The confidence gained through overcoming obstacles independently far outweighs any temporary discomfort they experience along the way.
2. Let them get bored.
“I’m bored!” There are few things that trigger me as a parent more than hearing these words, especially when accompanied by a side of whingy voice. These dreaded words send many parents scrambling for activities, tablets, or playdates, and I’ve certainly been guilty of that. Society pressures us to keep children constantly stimulated and scheduled.
Resisting this urge might feel uncomfortable at first, but boredom actually serves as the birthplace of creativity. Neurological research demonstrates that minds left to wander activate different neural pathways than minds constantly engaged in directed activities. During boredom, children develop self-reliance and tap into imaginative resources they didn’t know they possessed.
The next time complaints of boredom arise, resist immediately filling the void. Acknowledge their feelings without rushing to solve the problem. “I understand you’re feeling bored. I wonder what you might discover to do?”
Children who learn to navigate empty hours develop important internal resources. They create elaborate imaginary worlds, invent games, or discover new interests through exploration. These self-directed discoveries often become passionate pursuits later in life.
3. Let them be kids.
Childhood disappears in a blink. Modern parenting often accelerates this already brief window with excessive academics, competitive sports, and achievement pressure. Elementary schoolers now face homework loads once reserved for high school students, while structured activities fill every afternoon.
Natural childhood involves mess, noise, silliness, and seemingly pointless play. These elements aren’t frivolous—they’re developmental necessities. Free play builds neural connections, develops social skills, and processes emotions in ways structured activities cannot replicate.
Children need time to climb trees, build forts, make mud pies, and engage in imaginative worlds where they control the narrative. These experiences develop problem-solving abilities and emotional regulation better than any worksheet or directed activity.
Protect childhood’s sacred space. Create regular periods of unstructured time where exploration happens organically without adult direction. Resist the cultural pressure to transform every moment into a learning opportunity or achievement milestone.
4. Don’t always try to prevent their unhappiness.
Witnessing our children’s sadness creates a visceral parental pain. Many of us instinctively rush to shield them from disappointment, smooth over conflicts, or immediately fix whatever causes discomfort. This approach feels loving in the moment but creates long-term disadvantages.
Emotional resilience develops through experiencing the full spectrum of human feelings—including the uncomfortable ones. Children who never face disappointment struggle tremendously when inevitable adult setbacks occur. They lack the emotional vocabulary and coping strategies necessary for navigating life’s unavoidable rough patches.
Allowing appropriate developmental struggles honors your child’s emotional journey. The soccer game loss, the friendship disagreement, or the disappointing grade all contain valuable life lessons when approached with supportive guidance rather than avoidance.
Sit with them in their disappointment, validate their feelings, but resist the urge to immediately “fix” the situation. Phrases like, “I see you’re really disappointed” acknowledge their experience without rushing them past it.
Children who learn that unhappiness represents a normal, temporary emotional state—rather than an emergency requiring immediate resolution—develop extraordinary emotional resilience that serves them throughout life.
5. Let them experience their emotions.
Emotional intelligence outpredicts academic success in determining life outcomes. Despite this knowledge, many parents inadvertently stifle emotional development with well-intentioned responses like “Don’t cry,” “You’re fine,” or “Calm down.”
Children possess the full range of human emotions from their earliest days. Their experience of these feelings remains just as valid and intense as adult emotions, despite different triggers or expressions. Acknowledging this reality creates space for authentic emotional development.
Naming emotions provides children with essential vocabulary for their internal experiences. When your child rages about a seemingly minor issue, try, “You seem really frustrated right now” instead of dismissing the reaction as inappropriate. This validation creates emotional safety while teaching identification skills.
Physical outlets for emotional expression matter tremendously. Provide appropriate channels like physical activity, art materials, or comfort objects that help process big feelings. These external resources gradually internalize as self-regulation skills develop.
Remember that emotional regulation develops gradually throughout childhood and adolescence. The brain regions responsible for impulse control don’t fully mature until the mid-twenties. Meeting children where they are developmentally—rather than expecting adult emotional responses—creates the foundation for healthy emotional development.
6. Praise their effort, not their results.
“You’re so smart!” This seemingly positive statement actually creates surprising problems in child development. When children receive continuous praise for fixed qualities like intelligence, they develop what psychologists call a “fixed mindset”—the belief that abilities come naturally rather than through effort.
Research consistently shows that effort-based praise produces significantly better outcomes. Children praised for working hard, persisting through difficulties, or trying new strategies develop a “growth mindset” that serves them throughout life. They view challenges as opportunities rather than threats to their identity.
Specific feedback magnifies this effect. Rather than generic “good job” statements, try observations like “I noticed how you kept trying different ways to solve that math problem.” This approach highlights the exact behaviors that led to success.
Process-focused comments teach children that struggle represents a normal, necessary part of learning rather than evidence of inadequacy. When they face inevitable setbacks, they possess the internal resources to persevere because their identity isn’t tied to perfect performance.
7. Let them have treats.
Strict food rules often backfire spectacularly. Research consistently shows that children raised with excessive food restrictions typically develop poorer relationships with eating than those taught moderation. The forbidden cookie becomes exponentially more desirable when it’s completely off-limits.
Balance matters tremendously in developing healthy food relationships. Regular designated treat times—whether weekly dessert night or occasional ice cream outings—teach moderation more effectively than complete prohibition. These planned indulgences remove the secretive allure that restriction creates.
Neutralizing food language helps tremendously. Describing foods as “everyday foods” versus “sometimes foods” rather than “good” or “bad” prevents moral associations with eating choices. Food becomes fuel and pleasure rather than a moral battleground.
Family meals create opportunities for modeling balanced eating habits. When children observe adults enjoying varied foods—including treats—without drama or guilt, they internalize these patterns naturally.
The relationship with food established in childhood often persists throughout life. Teaching moderation, enjoyment, and nutrition without rigid restrictions creates the foundation for lifelong healthy eating patterns more effectively than strict rules ever could.
8. Don’t ban screen time.
Digital panic pervades modern parenting conversations. Headlines warn of technology destroying childhood while experts debate appropriate limits. Beneath these legitimate concerns lies a more nuanced reality: not all screen time impacts development equally.
Active engagement differs dramatically from passive consumption. A child video-chatting with grandparents, creating digital art, or learning coding engages different cognitive processes than mindlessly scrolling videos. Content quality matters tremendously in determining developmental impacts.
Co-viewing creates opportunities for media literacy development. Watching alongside your child allows you to contextualize content, discuss the values presented, and identify problematic messages. These conversations transform passive viewing into critical thinking practice.
Balance remains essential, of course. But the digital world represents our children’s future reality. Teaching thoughtful navigation of digital spaces prepares them for the world they’ll inhabit as adults better than complete prohibition ever could.
9. Don’t gender stereotype them.
Blue for boys, pink for girls. Trucks versus dolls. Strong versus pretty. These seemingly harmless distinctions actually constrain children’s development in measurable ways. Breaking free from gender stereotypes expands your child’s potential remarkably.
Research consistently demonstrates that children internalize gender expectations by age three. These early messages influence everything from career aspirations to emotional expression patterns. Boys learn to suppress emotions while girls receive subtle discouragement from pursuing STEM interests—all before kindergarten begins.
Language choices significantly impact gender development. Phrases like, “Boys don’t cry” or “That’s not very ladylike” might seem innocent but carry profound implications about acceptable traits. Consciously examine the subtle messages your words convey about gender expectations.
Offering diverse play experiences regardless of gender allows children to develop their full range of interests and abilities. The boy who nurtures a baby doll develops essential emotional skills, while the girl building block towers strengthens spatial reasoning abilities crucial for later math success.
Allowing your child’s authentic self to emerge without gender constraints provides the greatest gift of all: the freedom to become fully themselves.
10. Encourage independence AND interdependence.
Western parenting often emphasizes independence above all else. We celebrate early self-sufficiency milestones while sometimes neglecting the equally important skill of healthy interdependence. Both capabilities prove essential for thriving adulthood.
Independence naturally develops when children receive age-appropriate responsibilities. Even toddlers can help with simple household tasks, developing competence and confidence through contribution. These early capabilities gradually expand into greater self-reliance throughout childhood.
Simultaneously, children need to learn healthy interdependence—the ability to seek help, work collaboratively, and contribute to community well-being. Families function as the first training ground for these crucial social skills. Regular family responsibilities teach that communities depend on every member’s contribution.
Adults who thrive possess both capabilities—handling challenges independently when appropriate while knowing how to seek support, collaborate effectively, and contribute to collective well-being.
11. Model the behavior you want from them.
Children possess extraordinary observational abilities. Their brains constantly absorb information about how humans behave, with parental modeling creating the most powerful impression of all. Your actions speak infinitely louder than your words in shaping their development.
Self-awareness represents the first step in effective modeling. Noticing your own reactions during stress, conflict, or disappointment provides opportunities to demonstrate healthy coping. When you make a mistake, modeling a sincere apology teaches accountability more effectively than any lecture.
Technology habits particularly influence children’s relationships with devices. The parent constantly checking notifications while establishing strict screen rules for children creates confusion and resentment. Alignment between your expectations and behaviors builds trust and coherence.
Emotional regulation patterns transfer directly through observation. Managing your own emotions healthily—taking deep breaths, using calm-down strategies, or taking space when needed—provides a living template for their developing emotional skills.
12. Encourage collaboration, not competition.
From sports leagues with trophies to class rankings and academic competitions, modern childhood overflows with competitive structures. While healthy competition has its place, overemphasis creates unnecessary stress and undermines essential collaborative skills needed in today’s interconnected world.
Collaborative activities teach different—and often more valuable—lessons than competitive ones. Working together toward shared goals develops communication skills, perspective-taking abilities, and mutual respect. These experiences prepare children for most adult work environments, where team success typically outweighs individual achievement.
Family culture significantly impacts how children view achievement. Questions like “Did you have fun?” or “What did you learn?” after activities shift focus from winning to growth.
Sibling relationships particularly benefit from collaborative frameworks. When parents minimize comparisons and create opportunities for successful teamwork, siblings develop supportive bonds rather than rivalrous ones. These positive family connections often become life’s most enduring relationships.
The most successful adults rarely achieve greatness through isolated competition but through effective collaboration with others. Building these skills from childhood creates an invaluable foundation for future success in relationships, careers, and communities.
13. Let them follow their path, not society’s (or yours).
Standardized expectations pervade modern childhood. College-track academics, extracurricular achievements, and linear progression through predetermined milestones define “success” in narrow terms. Breaking free from these constraints allows your child’s authentic development to unfold naturally.
Every child possesses unique gifts, challenges, and developmental timelines. Some read early while others excel physically. Some thrive in structured environments while others need open-ended exploration. Honoring these individual differences—rather than forcing conformity to external expectations—creates the conditions for genuine thriving.
Developmental pressure often backfires dramatically. Children pushed into academics before readiness frequently develop anxiety and resistance toward learning. Those forced into social situations beyond their temperamental or neurological comfort develop performance behaviors rather than authentic connections.
The children who ultimately thrive aren’t necessarily those who hit milestones earliest or conform most completely to your or society’s expectations. Rather, those who develop authentic identities aligned with their internal wiring find lasting fulfillment regardless of conventional definitions of success.
14. Don’t enable them.
Parental love runs deep. This powerful attachment makes setting boundaries, allowing natural consequences, and watching struggles profoundly difficult. Yet enabling—the practice of removing obstacles and natural outcomes—creates surprising harm despite feeling like protection.
Natural consequences provide life’s most effective teaching moments. When you repeatedly bring forgotten homework to school, complete projects last minute for them, or make excuses for missed responsibilities, you deny crucial learning opportunities.
The same goes for letting them live without boundaries. Boundaries express love more effectively than permissiveness. Children flounder without clear expectations and consistent limits. The temporary discomfort of enforcing rules builds the security of knowing someone cares enough to hold them accountable.
Remember that today’s enabling creates tomorrow’s struggles. The college student unable to manage time, the young adult with undeveloped work ethic, and the relationship partner unwilling to compromise often trace these difficulties to well-intended parental protection from natural growth opportunities.
The greatest gift we offer children isn’t protection from life’s challenges but the tools, confidence, and resilience to face them successfully. This equipment develops primarily through supported struggle rather than obstacle removal—a truth that transforms parenting approaches when fully embraced.
